Parenting

Attention, temperament and environment are all part of the equation, but without a positive parent, nothing will work well. I don't tame children. I change parents, who then get the best out of their individual Child.

As I get older; the toddlers I once treated are now adolescents or even adults. Most have done extremely well, but a few still live in the same war zone they occupied when we first met. Many of them started with B challenging temperament that their parents attacked head on. The parents' position was uncompromising: they were going to win this war and hike no prisoners. As the battle got bogged down, both sides brought in ever-bigger artillery, until everyone was angry, resentful and oppositional. As I tried to move things along, the parents would say it was the child who had to change - not them. In cases like these, hostility feeds from both sides, and when no one will compromise, soon you are standing in a warm-torn country where relationships are wrecked for a generation.

I can't overestimate the Importance of getting attitudes right at the start. When children are treated nicely, they treat you nicely. When children know they are loved, they let you know they love you. When children set out on the rails, they generally stay on the rails.

As I observe parents and children interact, some seem so close, natural and in tune, while others are more angular and remote in their relationship. You can sense whether parents have a nurturing style or a negative style, but it's not so easy to put into words what the differences are. There are some things that stand out, though:

- Positive parents communicate warmly with and without words. Words are important but they make close communication with their eyes, tone of voice and body language.

- Positive parents listen, take time, and enjoy doing things with their children. Any human being knows when they are only afforded half of our attention. There is a difference between spending time as an act of penance and savoring time together.

- Positive parents use positive discipline. Discipline is not about waiting for a child to misbehave then dumping heavily on them. It is the molding of behavior through encouragement and reward. Positive parents establish good patterns, set limits, remain consistent, and then catch their children being good.

- Positive parents forgive quickly and restart with a clean slate. It's easy to get angry and stay angry. A child may not openly apologize: they circle the perimeter, hoping we will extend an olive branch. Positive parents quickly pull their children back in close, end the issue and hold no grudges.

- Positive parents instruct with expectation. They transmit instructions with the expectation that things will happen.

- Positive parents see past the problem. Even the most angelic child will get into some pretty silly situations. It is important for parents to look past the end behavior to see the preceding events and recognize innocence of intent.

- Positive parents watch with interest, pride and wonderment. This is what you see in the eyes of a besotted parent.

- Positive parents see the humor. One day later, you can look back on some of the things your children got up to and laugh. Positive parents keep their humor and their perspective.

On the other hand:

- Negative parents use hostile, critical communication. I would not like to be addressed the way some parents talk to their children. The tone is hostile and there is an expectation that instructions are not going to be obeyed. This confronting, trouble-seeking style creates opposition in a child.

- Negative parents can only see the worst in their children. Most of us see our children better than they are in reality. A negative parent sees nothing but fault and trouble.

- Negative parents show disappointment and resentment. Some parents transmit a feeling that parenting has not lived up to expectation. It's almost as if their children were sent to disturb and intrude upon their enjoyment of life.

- Negative parents focus overly on the bad. Even the worst-behaved child is good for ninety per cent of the time. Negative parents only see the bad ten per cent, which they reinforce with the full focus of their attention.

- Negative parents believe that the child has the problem. It takes two parties to fight and two parties to come to a resolution, but negative parents see the child as causing all the problems. They are reluctant to be part of the process of change themselves.