As they experiment with ways of communicating with you, our teenagers will also be learning how to get on with their peers. You may well find the degree of allegiance they give to their friends, and the importance they place on their opinions, difficult to accept. Friendships between young children can be intense, but on the whole it is during adolescence that young people find particular value in such relationships. Parents can have a certain measure of control over their children’s contacts -they are usually chosen from families you find acceptable, met at school or from your own neighborhood or own circle of friends. If a young child starts to play with someone you dislike or of whom you disapprove, you usually have the control and influence to divert them to other companionships. As your child becomes a teenager, however, you may find your power in this sphere slipping. An adolescent may want to choose friends they are fully aware you could dislike, as a way of challenging your control and as a way of demonstrating their growing ability to make their own choices.
It may not be as obvious a challenge as that; however, what is a friend? This, after all, is one of the questions young people will be exploring. A child's friend may just be someone who is at the same physical or mental level as them to share and enjoy their games. A teenager's friend may be a person with whom to explore the more important questions of loyalty, generosity, sympathy and understanding. A friend is someone who mirrors back to you who you are - something parents may well not be able to do at this stage since you all disagree on what this is. As adults, we have a set of rules and standards at which we have arrived after many years, with which we are comfortable. Your teenagers no longer wish to accept this package without close examination, and it is their friends who can help them unravel it all and poke around in the tangle. This doesn't mean that they are not going to come to roughly the same conclusions as you -they are most likely to do so. But, they are more likely to accept your morals and views if they can Work them out themselves, rather than having them forcibly imposed upon them.
They do this by trying out new identities, by experimenting with ways of behaving, ways of dressing and ways of relating to other people. Girls, who are often brought up to be far more comfortable about emotions and far better at expressing them, tend to have special friendships in a small group or with one other girl. Boys, less easy about sharing intense feeling, tend to move in larger groups or have friendships with a specific pastime as the common bond. Girls can be personal in their discussions, disclosing their own feelings and insecurities. Boys tend to keep most of their talk general and are more likely to exaggerate their exploits than to reveal doubts. All, however, will be looking for a degree of certainty and confirmation of their own views. Because friendships are so important, not only can they be startlingly deep, they can also be frighteningly short-lived if the other person breaks the rules and shows themselves to be less loyal, generous or responsive than your teenager demands.
The arguments, sudden enthusiasms and equally sudden dislikes are all a way of practicing how to judge, how to choose and how to get along with other people. Your help here can be invaluable. They need to understand that these skills of befriending and talking to other people do not come naturally, but have to be acquired and practiced. Most teenagers go through periods of wanting to be alone and of finding it difficult to get on with other people, both of their own age or older. Sometimes, this is from choice. Rather than insisting that they go out and make friends, or nagging at them for being lazy, respect their decision and let it run its course. But in other cases, this is because the young person is setting unreasonably high standards for what they want from a friendship, or because they are finding it difficult to make the first steps. This may come to a head when friendships with the opposite sex become important. The ability to set up a dialogue with a member of the other sex is actually no different to the ability to talk to your own. The only difference lies in your seeing the other person as somehow apart, and the relationship between you of unique and special significance.
