Parenting

Such is the talent of some children, they could start an argument in an empty room. In fact, one of my patients argues with his computer, complaining that it cheats when he is playing card games. Of course, you need two people to argue and talking to a computer is about as useful as squabbling with your mother-in-law. Life's too short for lost causes. Children argue in order to hijack attention, look smart or push a power struggle. If attention is the goal, the arguing should be ignored. If it's to show off in front of visiting mates, give a warning then send the friends home.

A power struggle is much more complex, as the child is looking for a victim, and when this happens we must remain unruffled to avoid falling into that role. Here are some ways to handle a keen arguer:

- Improve communication. If a child is addressed with heavy, abrasive, sarcastic tones, these will bounce back at you in their reply.

- If possible, ask, don't tell.

- Be enthusiastic, show interest, be positive.

- Be matter-of-fact and use humor.

- Change tack with a different intonation or a whisper.

- When arguing and the child uses smart comments to wind you up, don't rise to their bait but let the water roll off the duck's back 'That's fine.' I hear you.' 'Now I'm just going outside for a moment.'

- Don't let protest change the referee's decision. If young McEnroe disputes a line call, don't bend to his bullying.

- Be a courteous listener, but at a certain point, state your position and close down that channel of reception.

- If they feel you are being unreasonable, give two minutes to put their case, after which 'It's finished.'

- Keep asking yourself, 'Is this getting me anywhere?' If the answer is no, it's time to start using your brain.

- When they show off in front of friends, give fair warning (preferably in private), then send their mates home. If their friends cannot go home, put the show-off in time out. Before the next visit give a quiet reminder of the rules.

- When stuck for ideas, use an 'I' statement: 'I feel embarrassed when addressed like that'; 'I feel sad when we argue'; I would feel happy if we got on together.'

- Give feedback for good times: 'Gosh, you are such good company'; I so much enjoyed being with you.'

- Arguing can be part of the power politics of the oppositional child. With these difficult young people the aim is to sidestep confrontation, give choices and let them feel they have a say in the outcome.

- Most children do what they are told but there is a lot of argument and complaint along the way. They have to get ready for school, do homework, bathe, brush teeth and go to bed. All you are asking for is action without excuses. Use a star chart to encourage compliance without complaint or add a bonus to the pocket money for a grumble-free life.

- Some older children can be bought with a significant cash payment. One extremely difficult child in my care gets fifty pence for each hassle-free day. This sounds like extortion but nothing else worked and it was a small price to pay for his mum's sanity.