Tattling on brothers and sisters and hating a new sibling from the first day he invades the family are just two examples of how sibling rivalry wreaks havoc on family relationships. Because preschoolers are constantly flapping their wings of independence and importance, they often fight with their siblings for space, time, and the number one position in their most important world: their family.
Though sibling rivalry is part of human nature, its frequency can be decreased by showing each of your preschoolers that she's special. To keep sibling rivalry to a manageable minimum, teach your children that getting along gives them what they want: attention and privileges.
Preventing the Problem
Prepare your child before the new baby arrives
Discuss with your first child (if she's over one year old) how she'll be included in the life of the new baby. Tell her what the new family routine will be and how she'll be expected to help out. This will help her feel that she's an important part of loving and caring for her younger sister or brother.
Play with your older child whether your baby is asleep or awake.
To decrease the sibling rivalry associated with a new baby, make sure you play with your older child when your new baby is awake as well as asleep. This will prevent your older child from concluding that you only give her attention when the baby's out of sight. Spending time with your older child no matter what the baby is doing makes your older child think, "I get Mom's attention when the baby is here as well as gone. That baby's not so bad after all!"
Make realistic getting-along goals
Don't expect your child to smother the new baby with as much tenderness as you do. She may be older than the baby, but she still needs lots of individual attention.
Plan time alone with each of your children.
Even if you have half a dozen preschoolers to attend to, try to plan time alone with each of them (a bath, a walk, or a trip to the grocery store, for example). This will help focus your attention on each child's needs, and it will keep you informed about feelings and problems that may not surface amid the roar of the crowd at home.
Make individual brag boards (for parents of twins or children close in age).
Display each child's creativity in her own special place, to reassure each child that her efforts merit individual attention.
Solving the Problem
What to Do
Let a timer manage taking turns.
When your children are fighting for your undivided attention, let the timer determine each child's turn. This teaches your children about sharing, and it lets each child know she'll have a turn being your number one object of attention.
Offer alternatives to fighting.
Allowing fighting to flare up and bum out of control doesn't teach your children how to get along. Instead of allowing battles to be fought, give your children a choice: They can either get along or not get along. Say, "You may get along with each other and continue to play, or not get along and be separated in Time Out." Let them get in the habit of making choices, to give them a feeling of control over their lives and to help them learn to make decisions on their own.
Define getting along.
Be specific when praising your children for playing nicely together, to make sure they know what you mean by getting along. Say, "That's great the way you're sharing and playing together so nicely. I really like how you're getting along so well. It makes playing together fun."
What Not to Do
Don't respond to tattling.
Children tattle on each other as a way of enhancing their position with their parents. Stop this game of one-upmanship by saying, "I'm sorry you aren't getting along," and by pretending that the tattling didn't occur. Even if a dangerous activity has been reported, you can stop the activity and still ignore the tattling.
Don't set up one child to tattle on another.
Asking your older son to come tell you when his baby sister is doing something wrong is not a good way to teach your children how to get along without tattling.
Don't get upset when your children don't love each other all the time.
Children cannot live in the same home without some rivalry going on. It's human nature. Keep friction to a minimum by rewarding getting along and by not allowing the rivalry to escalate to fighting.
Don't hold grudges.
After the dispute has been settled, don't remind your children that they used to be enemies. Start over with a clean slate and help them do the same.
