It will be clear that discipline is based on encouragement and reward. There is, however, a small place for punishment, but it is punishment without pain. We don't hit or hurt children. Instead we punish using things like:
The tone of disapproval
If your poodle piddles on the carpet or your basset barks all night, who are you going to call? Barkbusters! And these dog trainers will start by telling you, 'Use fewer words, but more tone.' You don't explain to your barking dog that your neighbor is on Prozac for a nervous disorder and it would be good if he kept quiet. You look him in the eye and sternly say, "Bah!'
Switching off attention
Children thrive when they live in a home filled with interest and interaction, where they get plenty of positive attention. We know that giving attention is the greatest reward, so it follows that cutting attention is a potent punishment.
A six-year-old is being tickled and bounced on Mum's knee. In a burst of innocent enthusiasm he head-butts Mum in the mouth. As the pain rises you could explode or explain the dangers of horseplay. But it is more effective to briefly register your hurt then walk away. The child feels the cool change from full attention to total ignoring. This registers your disapproval and will encourage more care the next time.
A showing-off ten-year-old calls Mum an idiot. You could give a lecture full of biblical quotes about respect for one's parents. You could go psycho, or you could simply state, 'It upsets me when you talk like that', then walk away, cutting all attention for a short period.
Active ignoring
When a defiant child is hell-bent on confrontation, it's a hard call to ignore. Active ignoring allows us to take a step sideways yet remain in control. With this technique, you stay calm, make your point, disengage and then return.
The ten-year-old stands nose to nose, daring Mum to discipline. You quietly repeat your request, walk away, straighten the curtains, pour yourself a cup of coffee, then return to restate your position in a matter-of-fact way. Active ignoring sidesteps a stand-off, gives space and signals that we are not going to be manipulated.
Time out
This is one of the most useful weapons in our armory. Time out has a double impact: first it punishes by withdrawing the child from positive attention, and then it provides the space to cool off an overheated situation. Time out is effective from age one to eleven years. It allows us to put a lid on escalation and to sidestep a stand off.
The young child is moved calmly to a bedroom or a time-out chair. The older child is expected to take themselves. It is useful to have a trial run in a time of peace, to prepare for when the technique is used in earnest. The period of exclusion is calculated as approximately one minute for each year of age, but parents have to find the time that best suits their child.
Time out is signaled by a statement, a sign or taking the five-year-old by the hand. If they refuse we move to plan B and use techniques such as counting to three, active ignoring or giving a choice.
If they call out, this is ignored. If they ask whether the time is up, don't rise to the bait, set a cooking timer and let it be the adjudicator. If they come out early, the clock goes back to the start.
At the end of time out, briefly restate your case but don't heap guilt or demand an apology. Then forgive fully and start afresh with a clean slate.
Time out for toys
Another use of time out is to withhold toys, television and computers from feuding children who won't share.
Jack wants 'The Simpsons', Jill wants 'Home and Away', and as they squabble no one sees anything. Mum issues a warning, and then the television is put in time out. Switch off the set, start the cooking timer and, when fifteen minutes is up, start again.
The boys Arnold and Sylvester both want GI Joe and they are prepared to go through a bloody military campaign to gain possession. Here Mum intervenes, puts the plastic marine in time out, and starts the timer. Ten minutes later the battlefield is quiet, GI returns to the front line and hopefully there is some compromise.
