By its very nature, adolescence is a time of turmoil. Teenagers will be testing themselves and their relationships, and there may be frequent, almost routine, arguments and discussions both thin the family and between them and their friends and contacts. However, the turmoil can be intensified if something drastic happens to affect the family as a whole - an internal crisis or one imported from outside.
The break up of the family through separation or divorce; the death of a relative or friend; the remarriage of a parent and the arrival of a step family; the birth of a new brother or sister, or the marriage of an existing one; a change of lifestyle forced by a move of house or a new job for parents - or the loss of one-all can have profound effects on the young person. Such changes can prove difficult at any time of life, but they may have greater significance to a young person during adolescence.
Very few families get through the adolescent years without some major life change of this type. How you deal with your own worries and how you communicate with your teenager can mean the difference between this being an uncomfortable period they can weather, and one that places upon them an unmanageable burden. Parents in crisis often protect young people from what we see as the painful stresses of adult life. Not only do we try to shield them from the event itself g delaying telling them that grandfather's illness is fatal, or that you are coming to the decision to end your marriage - but we hide our subsequent responses. They have enough to bear, we reason, without coping with the shock of seeing their strong, all-knowing parents breaking down in confusion or grief. The last thing we wish to show is that we are weak, worried or afraid, for that might make them totally insecure.
The result is often the opposite of that which you intended. If you have succeeded in hiding the situation from your teenagers, they will then assume that there is no problem and you are either exaggerating or being silly. They will go about their business in blithe unconcern, scraping your nerves raw. In fact, hardly any young people are this blind. They know full well that something is up, and are more likely keenly to resent your treating them 'as children'. Or, far from being reassured by your apparent strength, they will conclude that you don't give a damn that grandpa is dead, or dad has gone. They may find it impossible to come to you for comfortable. How could they, if you so obviously do not share their grief? They may even blame you for the situation. If you aren't upset it happened, they will reason you might have caused it deliberately.
We all react to a crisis, such as a death, with a complex rush of feelings. The circumstances of the death, and our relationship with the dying person before the event, fill us with all sorts of emotions. We may feel disbelief that someone we saw up an about the day or week before is never going to walk door again. We may feel guilt, wishing we had been kinder, more helpful and that we had shown our love more openly. We may also feel anger at the person, for leaving us and being the cause of such unhappiness. Our anger could also be directed at the world, for continuing as if nothing had happened, and at everyone around us, for seeming to be so unconcerned. Worst of all, we may hate ourselves, for having such dreadful thoughts. We may go into a state of shock, when nothing makes sense and everything is seen through a haze. And we may be seized with an awful fear that we or other members of the family could also die very soon.
Most of us share these reactions to any serious crisis, but not necessarily at the same time. These emotions can be so powerful, uncomfortable and unexpected, that we may try to hide or deny them, not only to others, but also to ourselves. Adolescents, struggling to cope with the other conflicting passions of their age, are all the more likely to retreat behind a barrier of studied indifference. Both sides might misinterpret each others' reactions. You may, for instance, take silence to mean a lack of concern or an admirable strength, when in fact it conceals a screaming hurricane of guilt and terror. By misinterpreting their feelings, you may deal with them in an inappropriate way - and they, you. The result can be friction at exactly the time when you all need each other's support and understanding.
