Parenting

Even royalty use rude words, but only in private. Our children get the same royal flush, but the words appear at inopportune moments. The reason for bad language is ignorance of the meaning, releasing tension, attention seeking and acting 'cool'.
In the early school years children use a lot of silly language where even the word 'bottom' is seen to be as entertaining as an entire season of 'Seinfeld'. This language has no malice; it's part of the fun and nonsense of being young. At this age children repeat words they have heard at school, but they have no knowledge of their meaning. Words may also be used to wind up Mum and Dad.

Silliness can be stopped with a simple comment, our tone of voice or die way we look. Handle innocent but inappropriate language with an explanation of its meaning. Where words are used to stir up parents, it is important to avoid rising to the bait.

By late primary school, bad language is normal behavior for the herd. Some children use the f-word to register their position in the group, much like a dog might pee around a perimeter to stake his claim. At this age it is important to make it clear what we will and will not accept.

Primary-age children often have words and secret sayings that are part the common language that bonds the group together. When my boys were at school, the in word was 'skills'. I don't know where it came from or what it meant, but it was like some special handshake of a secret group. The word lost favor when my older son bluffed the class: 'You shouldn't say "skills", it's a rude word.' The others looked surprised. 'It's a nasty disease of the bum. I know, because my father is a doctor.'

The words we use have a different significance in different cultures and countries. As I miss my serve at tennis it sounds so trendy to say, 'Merde!' but to a Frenchman it is still 'Sh*t!'

One ex-Australian prime minister was well known for his intolerance of groups that were all talk and no action. When working on a high-powered UN committee, he was forever baffling the interpreters. One day, exasperated by the lack of progress, he stood up and said, 'It's about time we stopped playing silly buggers.' With this, the interpreters flicked through their dictionaries and over the headphones came a confused statement about sport and feeble-minded homosexuals.

My list of suggestions gives a number of approaches, but what you use will depend on the age of the child, the extent of the problem and the reason for the bad language. In my experience, any young child with an extreme, abusive foul mouth has acquired this from someone in their dysfunctional living environment. If language is a symptom of home disharmony or a rift in the parent-child relationship, the language is not the main priority for treatment.

- State clearly what you will not accept: 'John that is not a word we use.'

- Use 'I' statements: 'I feel upset when I hear that sort of language.'

- In young children explain the meaning of rude words and show the silliness of describing reproductive anatomy in public.

- Notice and reinforce when they talk, and relate in an appropriate way.

- When language is used to bait parents, where possible, let it pass. When ignored, the baiting may initially increase then, with no pay-off, it will lessen.

- Older children enjoy shocking their parents. They think that their generation know words that we old timers can't use. We can capitalize on the surprise value of remaining completely unfazed and reply using their word. 'John, it's not very clever to say f-.' When response is laid-back it removes the shock from shock tactics.

- Some parents still wash out mouths with soap and water. This is old-fashioned, dangerous and creates children who resent their parents.

- Swearing helps release tension. Teach children how to let off steam in other ways: count to ten, punch a pillow or have a quick run around the block.

- Allow the use of almost rude words: 'Shoot!' or 'Fruit cake!'

- Put limits on swearing. 'You can use those words, but not here.'

- A lot of rude words involve religious figures and begetting, but they are not recommended in church.

- Give a warning and follow with removal of privileges: 'Bed fifteen minutes earlier.'

- Give a warning and follow with time out.

- Make good language pay off. Convert the weekly pocket money to twenty-pence coins and place these in a glass jar. For each blasphemy deduct one piece of silver.

- If they are acting smart to impress a friend, warn them that their mate will be sent home if they continue. After fair warning, act.

- Children parrot the speech, abusive attitudes and bad language of those they are close to. In the early years this comes from us, the parents.

- When parenting has been hostile, negative and verbally abusive since the early years, it is normal for children to treat their parents in the same way.