Words have enormous power. What parents and teachers say, and how they say it, can have enormous impact. Boys are as susceptible to hurtful words and criticisms as girls, despite any pretence they make of being tough and immune to insult.
If you are a parent:
* Verbal teasing is a form of manipulation that should be used carefully and sparingly
* Give plenty of praise and kind words; these won't lead to pride if we teach that 'good at' means 'different from', not 'better than'
* Be aware that when we put our children down, it can be a defense mechanism to protect our own sense of inadequacy
* Comments like: 'I can't take you anywhere', ‘I don't care what you think', 'What's so good about that?', 'You'll probably end up in prison' and 'You'll never learn' will systematically destroy a boy's self-esteem and self-belief
If you are a teacher:
* Be positive at all times; sparring with a confident, cheeky lad may be acceptable for him, but may frighten another boy into silence
* Research has shown that confident five-year-olds entering school can become unsure of themselves and develop 'learned helplessness' when subjected to constant criticism and negative comments about their work and Play
* Boys generally prefer to be active and doing, find listening harder and are less sophisticated at managing social encounters and group discussion than girls; tailor your comments accordingly
Without realizing it, we can say things that humiliate boys and damage their self-belief and self-respect. Fathers and father figures, especially, are prone to engage in playful, teasing banter with their sons that includes threats, sarcasm and insult. They do this partly because they are uncomfortable with straightforward praise and intimacy, and partly because it makes them feel powerful and superior. However, vulnerable boys will never be certain that no criticism was intended.
If we want relationships with boys that help them to feel loved and cared for, we must make fewer comments and reprimands that undermine them, even in jest.
