Constant conflict ruins relationships and tears families apart. Children are deeply scarred by conflict, particularly when it becomes physical and involves both their parents. Family conflict lies behind much teenage despair that finds expression in depression and suicide.
But we can't get rid of all conflict. Different people inevitably have different and conflicting interests that have to he reconciled. Also, each of us has times when we feel exposed and vulnerable, when we are inclined to see comments and actions as challenges, take these personally and react aggressively, even where no challenge was intended. What we can do is to understand better why and when this happens, and how to manage and resolve the situation so that it does not get out of hand and those involved don't walk away feeling aggrieved, resentful, angry and ready to get their own back as soon as they can.
If you are a parent:
* Good communication skills lie at the heart of successful conflict management; listen to his case, present your case, using only ‘I’ statements, not provocative 'You' statements, and discuss compromises
* Acknowledge the feelings and challenged interests underlying the dispute
* You don't need to win every battle; be prepared to walk away when the issue isn't critical, and avoid disputes when either of you is tired
* Sibling battles teach children about conflict; if safe, let older ones resolve their problems; younger ones will need help
If you are a teacher:
* Schools should adopt a clear policy of non-violence
* Younger children can have a table where they go to talk through any dispute safely
* All school staff can be briefed about non-violent ways to resolve conflicts
* Personal and social education programs should contain lessons on violence prevention and effective strategies to manage and resolve conflict
* How teachers respond to challenges from children in class sets a powerful example
In summary, resolving conflict safely and satisfactorily takes emotional maturity and skill. Children have to learn these attributes from adults.
